I first became aware of ellenor, a hospice charity which provides care and support to patients with life-limiting conditions and their families throughout Kent and Bexley, when a friend of mine began volunteering there.

Like me, she had lost a daughter to cancer. So we had a connection.

But it wasn’t until about 20 years later – in the year 2017, when ellenor supported another of my friends before she died – that I began to understand the true breadth, nature, and importance of ellenor’s services.

Around that time, my father was also diagnosed with dementia. And my mum, who was in her nineties, was having issues with her sight and hearing. It was hard not to feel like my world was collapsing around me before ellenor stepped in.

ellenor took my dad through a memory clinic to help with his dementia; and, for my husband and I, provided a carer’s course. ellenor’s team also began assisting us with mum’s care by coming to her home in West Kingsdown. It sounds like a cliché, but ellenor always went the extra mile – whether it was Sally giving my mum a hand massage while the other carers worked with my dad, or in the way Terri always rang me to let me know how mum was doing. It was a continual connection; they always made us feel so looked after and cared for.

When the pandemic hit, my dad went into full-time care. But within a month of moving in, he had passed away. It wasn’t COVID-19 – we think he just gave up.

Following my father’s death, my mum – then 98 – spent three months living with my husband and I, before deciding she needed her independence back. She was brilliant, my mum: she couldn’t see, she could barely hear, but she could somehow manage on her own; and, despite never feeling that she needed carers, she was always their favourite.

It wasn’t until my brother Chris died in October 2022 that my mum began to change. Like my dad had two years earlier, she simply couldn’t continue. She wanted to go; to be reunited with her husband, and face whatever comes next by his side.

My mum ended up in hospital, but as her condition began to deteriorate, I managed to get her moved to ellenor.

That was on a Wednesday, in March 2023. On Thursday, she was gone.

From the beginning, ellenor was brilliant. It was the carer’s course; the unwavering support for my dad; the way ellenor’s nurses facilitated a peaceful, pain-free, and dignified death for my mum. But most of all, it was the moments of lightness. The way Terrie from ellenor, a  Family Support Worker would call mum, then call me straight afterwards with updates on mum’s condition – often marked by shared laughter. This communication enabled my husband and I to keep going throughout an incredibly challenging period – and even after my mum passed away, the warmth and humour she brought continued to shine through.

Since then, I’ve had letters from, and conversations with, ellenor – which has even offered me a 12-week course of bereavement counselling to come to terms with my mum’s death. It’s an incredible offer, and one I’ve since taken up.

Counselling at ellenor has helped me realise that my whole life, I’ve always been compliant with what other people wanted. I just got on with things. But now, I’m finally beginning to ask ‘what about me?’ ‘What do I want – and how do I feel?’ The emotions associated with that, and with my mum’s passing – anger, frustration, and helplessness among them – are coming to the surface; to places I can process them properly.

From my first counselling session at ellenor, I just couldn’t wait to get back; I didn’t want it to end. I was talking to someone who understood, who was bringing things out of me I’d buried long ago – things that went back to losing my daughter more than two decades earlier. The counselling helped me understand me; and that now, this is my time.

But unfortunately, as a society we still don’t fully appreciate counselling’s value. We’re talking, almost constantly, about mental health – but we don’t accept or understand it.

We fight against it, instead.

If I could describe ellenor’s care in just a couple of words, I’d say all encompassing.

Its team held us; looked after us; they cared. At no stage could I have said they weren’t bothered; I never struggled to get through to them, or had to wait hours or minutes to speak to someone on the other end of the phone. ellenor has just been there for us. Its team couldn’t have done more; nothing was too much. They are the reason my mum was able to die without pain, and that her closest relatives can continue living without the different kinds of pain – sadness, guilt, grief, fear, anguish – that the death of a loved one creates.

So thank you, ellenor, on behalf of me, my family, and the local Kent and Bexley communities you support.

When we need you, you are there. When you are there, you take away the pain, and help us soldier on through the toughest times. And, that means everything.

To help ellenor be there for local Kent and Bexley people, make a small, tax-free donation online, or volunteer your time and skills with us. To find out more about getting involved with ellenor to support your local community, give us a call on 01474 538555 or email us at hr@ellenor.org