#TalkingChangesLives

If someone you know has lost someone special to them, here are some things to remember, and ways in which you can show your support:

• Even if you say “I’m always here if you want to talk”, remember that although they might need to talk, they might be scared of being a ‘burden’ – even if you would not feel burdened. This is why grief often seems so silent, and so hidden. It’s good to offer, but even better to back it up with an action.
• This action could be something practical – like taking them a home-cooked meal or ordering a takeaway to their door (sometimes, when we feel low, the thought of cooking a dinner can feel exhausting and like too much effort); It could be doing something they’ve been putting off or taking some weight off their shoulders by doing something on their to-do list, without expectation for anything in return; or the action could include something kind like making a gift bag full of thoughtful things, such as candles, photographs of memories you have shared together, or putting together tiny book filled with reasons why you love and/or appreciate them – even when they might have distanced themselves. You can also include a piece of paper with your telephone number on it, to remind them that you’re always there for a phone call – or a gift card for a movie and their favourite snack.
• Whatever you decide to do, it is important to show them you know them, and that you care – with no strings, and no expectations attached. Let them know that you aren’t asking for anything in return, so they don’t feel pressured – you just want them to know that you’re there.

• You might mean well when you say “it will all get better in time”, or “you’ll get there”, or “you’ll feel much better after spending time with everyone, just think positive!”. However, these comments can leave people feeling unheard and invalidated if this doesn’t match up to how they really feel. They might feel irritable, angry, sad, distant… let them know that it is safe for them to feel exactly how they feel, and you accept them as they are, so they don’t feel pressured into ‘putting on a face’ – putting on a face only makes people feel more isolated.
• If you want someone to feel safe talking to you and opening up, accept what they say without judgement. Don’t try to change it, paper over it, or ‘put a plaster’ on it. Likewise, never simply assume that you understand what they are feeling, what they need, or what you think will be good for them – ask them. Let them tell you their way. And if they don’t know either, then that is okay. Let them just ‘be’, without trying to find a solution or trying to ‘fix’.
• Remember that – even if years have passed, and they ‘seem fine’ – they will still be remembering their loved ones at this time. Just acknowledging that you remember, too, can mean the world to people.