Lights, Leaves, and Love: The Story of Suzi’s 32-Year Connection with ellenor

A Dartford local, Suzi first encountered ellenor when her brother Barry, just 25 years old, was diagnosed with cancer. It was 1992, and the family was unprepared for the journey ahead. But amidst the uncertainty, fear, and grief, ellenor was there - a steady presence providing not just care, but comfort and peace of mind in their darkest hours.

As Suzi reflects on her 32-year connection with ellenor, it's clear this is more than just a story of loss - it's also one of enduring support, resilience, and love. Over the years, ellenor has been there for Suzi through the heart-wrenching loss of both her brother and father. And today, Suzi continues to find solace and connection in the small, yet powerful, acts of remembrance that ellenor offers.

“I didn’t know much about what it’s like for a person at the end of their life. What happens? And how?” “In films, you die just like that,” says Suzi.

“You don’t see someone’s body slowly shut down. But ellenor’s nurses came in and comforted my family as Barry passed. They just… calmed everything down, if that makes sense. They had all the answers to the questions we were asking; they provided all the information we needed.”

ellenor is a hospice charity serving Kent and Bexley, offering care primarily in patients' homes, although it also has facilities in Northfleet. More than just providing care, ellenor offers a range of wellbeing and clinical services, bringing comfort, reassurance, and peace of mind to patients and their families during life's most challenging moments.

“Barry’s death wasn’t particularly traumatic or dreadful. No one was panicking. The nurses were calm; and, because of that, so were we. ellenor made sure we knew what was happening; and because we understood everything, we found it less frightening.”

It was Suzi’s first contact with ellenor – but it wasn’t to be her last. Twenty-four years on, in 2016, Suzi was there again as the local hospice charity supported her father during the final days of his life. But even after her father passed away, something kept Suzi coming back to ellenor. At first, it was for the Bereavement Cuppas. The support group, held by ellenor every week, is for people who have lost a loved one to come together, enjoy a hot drink, and sit in a safe space with others living through similar circumstances.

“I’d chat to people, and they’d reassure me that the emotions I was experiencing were normal,” says Suzi. “It always made me feel better.”

Now, eight years after her father’s death, Suzi’s connection to ellenor has taken a different – yet no less enduring – shape. The shape of a leaf. Every year, Suzi donates money to the hospice charity for a leaf-shaped dedication on ellenor’s Memory Tree. The tree is made up of countless gold leaves: each one engraved with the name of a person who passed away. On one is etched the name of Suzi’s father

“It struck me that the cost of the gifts I’d get him over the course of the year – be it Father’s Day, Christmas, or his birthday – was about what a leaf on ellenor’s Memory Tree would get me. What we’d have spent on the things we used to love doing together – the odd fry-up, perhaps, or a drive in the country – I now spend on this dedication. And it gives me a place to come to see him. With Barry, I can visit his grave; I didn’t have that for my dad, who was cremated. “Now, I have the tree – and every time I look at it, it’s like I’ve bought him a gift.” The holidays can, of course, be a difficult time – especially for people, like Suzi, who have lost loved ones.

This is one of the reasons why, every Christmas, Suzi attends ellenor’s Lights of Love, an online service of remembrance featuring Christmas carols, readings, and performances from a local choir. The event, which also allows for moments of reflection, culminates in the switching on of the Lights of Love on ellenor’s Christmas tree: with each light, like each leaf, representing the memory of a person now gone – but no less special for it.

“Lights of Love is always nice, and a lovely thing to do in the festive season. Hanging a light on the tree, dedicating it to Barry and Dad…it’s just my way of spending a little bit of Christmas with them. “There’s no expectation to be sad; and no expectation to be happy, either. At all the Lights of Love services I’ve been to, strangers have comforted each other. You can meet and spend time with people who feel just the same as you; chat to and reassure each other against a beautiful backdrop. “It’s an experience – you’ll feel uplifted afterwards!” ellenor is, for local residents, the kind of place everyone knows. But not everyone knows what it does. Nor do people know that ellenor is actually a charity, and relies on the generosity of the public for the majority of the funds – around £7 million every year – it needs to continue being there for Kent and Bexley families in their time of need.

Asked to describe ellenor in three words, Suzi says, “Supportive, comforting, and…compatible.” Why ‘compatible’, Suzi? “

“Because everything ellenor offers is compatible with what you want them to offer. It’s not an ‘off the peg’ service; it’s not ‘off the peg’ care. ellenor tailors it to suit your needs, and the needs of your family. It’s definitely a person-centred approach”.

And, considering the length of Suzi’s own journey with ellenor – which, right now, stands at 32 years and counting – it’s hard to disagree. 

“Just go in and have a chat with them,” Suzi says, asked for her advice for anyone living with, or with a family member suffering from, a life-changing illness. “Ask them what services you can tap into to make things a little easier, and to take some of that weight off your shoulders.”

For a monthly donation of just £8 per month – or just £96 per year – you can dedicate a gold leaf, engraved with the name of your loved one, to ellenor’s Memory Tree, where it will be displayed at our Coldharbour Road-based hospice. You’re then welcome to come and view your leaf: anytime, any day.

Alternatively, it’s easy to make a tax-free donation to ellenor online – and know you’re doing your bit to help local families facing life-limiting and life-threatening illnesses get the care and support they deserve.